


I am walking nowhere

by Hieiandshino



Category: Marvel, Marvel (Comics), Marvel 616, Young Avengers
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Canonical Character Death, Character Study, Gen, Gen Work, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-08
Updated: 2013-11-08
Packaged: 2017-12-31 21:30:18
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,787
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1036603
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hieiandshino/pseuds/Hieiandshino
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Billy Kaplan and stars.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I am walking nowhere

**Author's Note:**

> Marvel (all media types) does not belong to me.
> 
> Title of the story and lyrics in italic are from The Cramberries's awesome song _Stars_.
> 
> Set between the end of _Children's Crusade_ and the first issue of _Young Avengers v2_
> 
> English isn’t my first language and this fanfic wasn’t revised by my beta. In other words: there will be mistakes.

_The Stars are bright tonight_

_And I am walking nowhere_

.

Once upon a time, there was a boy named Billy Kaplan. He was a smart, joyful kid who bit more than he could eat. He thought he was helping the world, but he just destroyed his.

.

_A distance is between us._

.

Teddy thinks he spends all his days by the window, looking at nothing. Teddy is wrong. Billy does spend all his days by the window, but he doesn’t look at nothing; he looks at the stars.

( _He doesn’t see the stars because this is New York. It does not mean they aren’t there_ )

They always were a subject he loved dearly, more because of what is out there than their actual selves. One thing he is always sure: they are up there, by day and by night; a calm and good reminder of stationary things — things that won’t change drastically for someone to notice.

.

Teddy tries to excite him with superhero news. Torchman is alive; Spider-Men are invading the city; something weird is happening and Captain America died again. It hurts more than it helps. However, Billy loves Teddy, so he keeps quiet and ignores him.

( _It hurts more than it helps and Teddy keeps quiet also_ )

When he was younger, all he wanted to be was a superhero. Wanda Maximoff aka The Scarlet Witch to be more precise. Wanted a red cape and a staff and wanted her to get married with Thor. They would be perfect and Quicksilver would be just as great with a woman like Ms. Marvel or Spider-Woman.

He never understood his obsession with magic or with the Maximoff Twins. Now it seems obvious.

Now, all he wants is to forget, and to easily become that old, bullied boy again.

All he has is blood in his hands. Blood and motor oil.

.

Kate is the first who wakes up and puts her sunglasses back on. New costume — stylish and simple — and new motto. She is always near Clint Barton these days and TMZ wants to know if they are dating. The Hawkeyes, but also the beautiful Kate Bishop and her new old boy-toy.

After he hears about it, Tommy is impossible the next days. For some reason, Teddy thinks it’s funny and adorable. He is always laughing and being gentle with him, being Tommy’s best friend when he thinks Billy is not looking.

( _The stars are always there and Billy needs to move sometimes. And when he sees the friendship blossoming between them, he secretly_ hates. _And hates himself for it_ )

There should be no distance between Billy and Teddy or Billy and Tommy. They are boyfriends, they are twins. And yet here he is, on his personal abyss, looking up ( _up up_ ) and seeing Tommy and Teddy _surviving without him_. They find closeness on each other, share laughs and crutches. _Isolation is never the answer,_ his mother told him when he started his star-watching, his star-sighting, his star-abyss. Cassie and Jonas affected them all, but he is the only one who wants to deal with their deaths alone.

( _He is the only one who wants to die with them_ )

.

It takes the last Young Avenger meeting to notice it was his entire fault. It started with the terrorists in New York and ended with Nate smashing Jonas into pieces.

He looks back to his ( _second_ ) family repertoire of mistakes and sees that it’s just the beginning.

.

“I’m leaving.” Tommy says and this is the only news related to superheroes that makes Billy turn away from the window. His brother is already dressed to go out, a backpack with all his things secure on one shoulder. He looks serious and decided and Billy notices he can do nothing to change his choice.

( _Billy is noticing it’s easier to give up even before trying_ )

“Why?” He croaks, voice tight. He wants to say _Don’t leave_. He wants to say _I need you_ , but Billy sticks with the obvious question. It hurts less.

“You got me out of juvie to be a hero, bro.” Tommy says, serious. “You got me out to do _something_ , not to stay and play trophy-twin-brother.”

“That’s not true.”

“You didn’t even _know_ it was me.” Billy wants to argue it was _destiny_ , but Tommy lifts up one hand and shakes his head. “And don’t even try the ‘it was destiny!’ shit on me. Your boyfriend already tried.”

“And what did you say to him?” _I thought you were friends_ , he wants to say. _I thought he was going to break up with me and start dating_ you, he thinks and it is the first time ever had thoughts like these and, Jesus. Just— _Jesus_. _What is wrong with him?_

“I said what I just said.” Tommy says and does not look slightly affected. Maybe they weren’t that good friends. It’s a good thing, Billy will think later, that they weren’t as close as he thought. If they were, Teddy would consider leaving. Tommy would be enough of a good friend to try to open his eyes and see he is better off with the twin with fair hair than with the darkest one. On _Captain Murderer_ , it was this twin, with hair as black as the night, that was as dangerous as the man who ate his wives. It bores some similarity with reality, now that Billy remembers the story.

( _The difference now is that Captain Murderer does not have sharp teeth, but an iron mask and a country just for him_ )

“Look, Billy.” Tommy’s voice echoes and Billy startles; guilty for starting to hide again inside his mind. “Billy. Bill. _Brother_. Cassie is dead. Jonas is dead. Nate is so evil that you could see his evilness all through the sky. Eli left. Kate is back. Teddy loves you and I—”

He stops. Looks at the floor and back at Billy. His eyes are green like Pietro Maximoff’s, like Erik Lensherr’s. Ice green, almost too frigid and so, so unwelcome. Billy knows what he is going to say. “You run.”

Tommy looks surprised, but smiles his most secret smile, that is a smirk with warmth. His eyes shine with good emotions and he almost looks like someone of his own age. “I run.” He agrees.

“Towards danger.” Billy adds and Tommy shows his teeth on an almost embarrassed smile.

“I gotta a job. I’ll superhero after a while. I’ll be fine.”

Billy knows. It does not make easier.

“Take care. And sorry about my family.”

Tommy shrugs, but, before he says his next sentences, he gives Billy his back, to protect himself, so Billy can’t see his face when he says: “They just love you a lot. And care a lot about other people too.” There is no hug to make him understand he isn’t alone, no _Get your shit together, you little shit._

Billy knows what it means. It means Tommy’s just not used with so much love. Not used with so much care. He turned to crime to get some attention from his parents and all he got was a sentence and possible torture. Too much care now suffocates him and he will always be a mutant that went to a juvie and that, later, ran away.

In the blink of an eye, he is gone. And Billy is alone.

Later, Billy will notice he wasn’t being understandable. He was shocked at the same time he was apathetic.

Much later, he will rage over the abandon.

.

He will stay many nights in silence. Teddy will sleep on the couch, avoiding Billy. Not even once he will look mad. Not even once he will say Tommy was wrong.

( _He is_.)

.

Billy wakes up screaming. Teddy is with him in seconds and _it’s alright. Everything will be alright_. He hugs and kisses his neck and Billy just _clings_ on his warmth and his bigger chest and tries to breath.

He dreamed of Cassie. She was bleeding all over, covered in motor oil and her eyes were white. She opened her mouth and the quote from _The perks of being a wallflower_ just floated from it, in the combined voices of Jonas and Nate:

_Right now we are alive and in this moment I swear we are infinite._

.

( _Death is living. Death is infinite_ )

.

Later, when he is back at his window and holding, with trembling fingers, a mug of tea, he gets it.

It is the mortality that destroyed the Young Avengers.

For a moment, when they all survived the battles they fought, he thought they would never die. The concept of death, of _killed in action_ never passed through their heads. Not even once the thought _We are going to die_ or _he is going to die_ ( _Teddy Teddy Teddy and then the others and he is so sorry for being this selfish_ ). They were doing what they were all destined to do, because they were so organized, so good. One of the few teenage superheroes teams that didn’t need neither training nor people’s blessing ( _for a while_ ). They never went to a school; they never learned from the elders what it was to fight evil — they just _did_.

Dying was impossible. Dying was a feeling of sadness over fallen heroes ( _of older times_ ); a slight brush of Death’s mantle at the tips of their fingers, that they would shake it out with hugs and laughs and days of kissing and loving.

Until his need to protect Teddy no matter what cost overcame his need to make good. Until his decision to truly find Wanda — take Magneto’s hand and use Pietro’s speed and go to Latveria for a woman that ruined millions for her own happiness ( _something she never got to have_ ).

Billy destroyed only three people, and it was enough for him to notice he was hollow inside even before the first spark of magic ran through his body.

.

Death brought the fear of dying. Billy, as the others, noticed how human he was and wasn’t able to hold on what made heroes good enough to keep going. None of them were, actually ( _minus Tommy, but to hold on what made him_ Tommy Shepherd, now Speed, _was the only good thing he learned at the juvie, so he had experience and, therefore, was the best of them because of it_ ) and each of them fell into their own personal abyss.

( _Maybe that is what they teach at superheroes schools, he thinks idly_ )

But time passes and never forgives, only forgets, and one by one they picked up their pieces and went on their way.

Billy is the only one left down there, mostly because he chose to be eaten away now, instead of waiting for a moment, in the future, when he would notice there was nothing left of him.

.

He realizes his monster is the fear of death. Later, he will look up on the internet and Wikipedia will explain what he feels is, mostly, Death Anxiety. Thanatophobia. It won’t work that well with what he is feeling ( _nothing_ ), but he will take it because it’s much better than not being able to _name_ whatever he is feeling ( _apathy, indifference, nothing, but these words are_ worse).

Before, names and words were his favorite things — even before the stars. Now all he has are stars he cannot see, but that burn brightly on his sky, and misnamed sensations he chooses to feel rather than not to feel anything else.

.

Teddy should have left with Tommy.

.

He wakes up startled one day and is able to see the stars. It’s a weird night and maybe he still is dreaming, but they shine ( _shine shine_ ) to him and he feels calmer already. Teddy is asleep on the other bed, small and human, his face always turned towards Billy because he loves him so.

Billy loves him too and is now capable of telling him this every day. Forgiving him for wanting more ( _superheroes and wings and a team and maybe an Avengers invitation —_ better than a car _, he says to Tommy when he calls, laughing and wishing for all this to happen_ ) is another matter entirely, and it will come the day all he feels right now will just slip off of his control and he will scream at Teddy, because he promised to stop fighting.

( _He didn’t, but it’s Billy’s mind and he can bend reality there as easily as he can in the outside world_ ).

_Don’t, Billie._ Cassie’s voice echoes, together with Jonas and Nate’s. Echo all at the same time as the dream is refuses to leave his mind.

He saw Death coming. She was made of bones, had a ring on each ring finger — purple stone in one hand and red-and-black rubber in the other. Her mantle fell upon Cassie’s big body and when she slipped away, there was a young Kang holding, in his arms, a fourteen year old blond girl. Around them, yellow, red and green metal shone like tears. The pieces were laid on the ground and Jonas face was crushed, motor oil sipping through his eyes and mouth.

_Death all around you, Billy_ , they said at the same time, Cassie’s dead lips moving as if it was the mouth of a puppet, _and you still blame the others._

_I’m sorry_ , he said, crying, and his tears were blood, motor oil and _time_. _I’m so sorry._

He should have been ready for this. Should have trusted his teammates. Should have not trusted Doom. Should have wished for no powers instead of Wanda. Should have given his ability to Tommy and only feel the need to run, not to correct. Should have said _no_ to Nate. Should have never met Wanda Maximoff that day, before she killed them all.

( _Before she laid out the path of destruction to him_ ).

.

_The stars are bright tonight_ , the old song says, and it is right. The stars are bright and they chase away the dream. Billy observes and smiles. Smiles until he falls asleep again.

Only the other day, when the news tells the world that a strange occurrence happened, Billy knows it was him. He made the stars bright last night.

“I’d do it again.” He says to the TV and Teddy looks up, understanding what happened. “I’d do it every night.”

.

He met Death once in his dreams and twice in reality. Death struck her boned hand right through his chest, taking him apart, like the lion of _The Wizard of Oz_. His courage is shared with Tommy and Kate and Eli and Teddy and Billy can only watch as they use it more wisely than he ever did.

Once he thought Death would never come to them, but then she hid Cassie and Jonas with her mantle and took them away without previous note. She had never even touched their fingers before.

.

( _It is not fair_ )

.

Billy will know, in the future, when he loses Teddy and makes enough mistakes to make Wanda look like she never did anything wrong, that life and death are not fair. And it’s by knowing and by overcoming this fact that makes people _human_. And it’s by knowing this and by not caring, by still thinking there is something worth to protect, that makes people _heroes_.

.

Billy loves stars and sometimes he wishes he could be one. Wishes everyone could be one.

They are above everything, silent and warm, being wished upon and making people smile, never hurting them. How could they hurt? They have no mind, no body, no emotions or consciousness of what is happening around them.

Even more, he loves stars and wishes he could be one because they live almost forever. It’s an eternity up there, generation and evolution going all around them and yet they ignore. They were born stars and they will die stars.

Beautiful stars who bore no awareness of their own mortality.

.

He will, eventually, get over this. Billy knows that.

However, as he opens his eyes and sees the sun and sees the sky, he imagines he sees the stars.

( _It is not today_ )

.

_And still I have my weaknesses_

_Still I have my strength_

_And still I have my ugliness_

.

Now, there is a man named Billy Kaplan. He is an intelligent and charismatic young man who noticed there is life after death almost too late. So he gets up, picks up the pieces of his old life and starts a spell. He thinks he is helping what is left of his world, but he just opens a door for something that wants to destroy everything else.

.

_I guess I will be alright_

_Desire gets you nowhere_

.

History is a cycle. And so are mistakes.

**Author's Note:**

> I don't really like Billy and I don't like Teddy/Billy at all, but I think he is a great character to study. This was supposed to be a drabble about Billy and stars (about the mortality thing) and it just... Grew.
> 
> I understand if you don't see Billy this way, but it's my take on the character, so, please, only constructive reviews of this work!


End file.
